


Crowley, Internet Doctor

by OneWingRoyal



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Kissy kissy mwah mwah mwah, M/M, Playing Doctor, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, phrenology
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:21:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26720575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OneWingRoyal/pseuds/OneWingRoyal
Summary: Phrenology is the obsolete pseudoscience of using the bumps and grooves on a patient's skull to determine their ability, psychology, and personality. Crowley just got certified in it from a kit off of eBay, and Aziraphale humors him through his first "examination".
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 30





	Crowley, Internet Doctor

**Author's Note:**

> Taking a break from my self-indulgent garbage (Aziraphale and Crowley, Ph.D) to write more self-indulgent garbage. Hope you like it!

“Well, angel, I’ve finally become an educated professional ,” Crowley announced as he walked into the A.Z. Fell and Co. Antiquarian and Unusual Bookshop, the bell chiming against the door behind him. 

“Oh no, what ‘educational material’ did you get now?” Aziraphale got up from his chair and put his book away. The angel walked out of his back room to see Crowley laying down a big square box a little bit taller than his torso. With his keys, Crowley opened up the box. 

“Very… ‘educational’ educational material.” From the very top of the box, Crowley took out a piece of printer paper and extended it in front of Aziraphale’s face.

“Oh no…” Aziraphale repeated with a gasp. He put on his glasses and squinted to read the text. “From the British Society of Physiognomy, let it be known that Anthony J. Crowley has completed all of the requirements and proficiencies to be sworn in as a board certified Doctor of Phrenology, and is hereby presented with this document as proof of his dedication to the psychophysiological arts -- Oh good heavens, does this society even exist?” Crowley dropped the paper to playfully squint and pout at Aziraphale. 

“Excuse you. This is from the most accredited seller of totally legitimate brain-stuff certificates on eBay. And look, they set me with everything I need to open up my own practice!” Digging further into the box, Crowley handed Aziraphale a model of the human head, marked with colorful sections labeled with different qualities, such as “philoprogenitiveness”, “calculativeness”, and “acquisitiveness”. 

“Well, this has very big words on it,” Aziraphale chuckled. “It has to be scientifically true.”

“It is  _ incredibly  _ true,” Crowley said with pride. “That is why I dedicated many precious minutes of my life to its study. And thanks to this manual, I can do my inaugural examination on you, pro bono!” He waved a small booklet around, and its flimsy pages flipped in the wind. “Go ahead! Sit down and I will show just how magical it is.”

While Aziraphale could tell that Crowley knew how phony this was, and that he knew that humans mostly didn’t use it anymore, he could also tell that the demon was genuinely excited about roleplaying as a 19th century pseudo-doctor. So Aziraphale sat down in his chair, legs crossed and head leaned back slightly. 

“So, doctor,” Aziraphale asked. “What is the procedure involved in a phrenological examination?” 

“Wonderful question!” Crowley grabbed a long yellow tape measure off of Aziraphale’s desk and waved it around like a ribbon. “First, I must measure your head.” He wound the measure around Aziraphale’s head, curls of white hair sticking out around the plastic. “Ooh, it’s the  _ smart size _ . You’re a very lucky man, Mr. Fell.”

“Oh, I am so flattered,” Aziraphale said with a slight kick of the leg. 

“Now, for the more in-depth examination.” Soon, Aziraphale felt Crowley’s fingertips rub at his scalp, and the angel let his eyes flutter closed.

“That actually doesn’t feel half bad…” Aziraphale purred, relaxing into his partner’s touch. 

“Good. Lay back, stay still, and this very serious medical procedure will go a lot more smoothly,” Crowley said, openly playing with Aziraphale’s hair for a moment. Then, he went back to his work. He ran his thumb under the back of Aziraphale’s skull.

“My, my, seems like you’re quite the artsy, intellectual type,” Crowley said. He snickered a bit before continuing. “According to the manual, such a pronounced intellectual organ is  _ very  _ typical of the superior white race.” Aziraphale gasped.

“The manual does  _ not _ say that!” However, as he snatched away the booklet and looked through it, Crowley really was just regurgitating his phrenological teachings. “My goodness… Oh, Humanity, I learn something new and terrifying about you each day.”

“Just like I have learned that you’re quite a big eater,” Crowley said after rubbing Aziraphale’s temples. 

“Is this your way of telling me I need to stop eating all the biscuits in the cupboard?” Aziraphale put the manual in his lap.

“Nonsense! This is just science. Very sciencey science.” Crowley rubbed Aziraphale’s forehead, then his jaw, then his neck and shoulders, and eventually Crowley had given up the act and started kissing and nipping at Aziraphale’s neck, setting his glasses to the side. 

“He-hey!” Aziraphale giggled, running his hands through Crowley’s hair but not really trying to stop him in any meaningful way. “Doctor, this seems  _ very  _ unprofessional --”

“Nope. All part of the procedure,” Crowley muttered against Az’s skin as he held him from behind. Eventually Aziraphale turned his head and kissed Crowley in earnest, cupping his cheek with one hand. Once they parted, they gazed into each other’s eyes for a moment, absolutely lovestruck.

“Well, from my examination, I have concluded that you are witty, kind-hearted, and very handsome, according to the medical literature,” Crowley said.

“Did it also tell you that I love you very very much?” Aziraphale purred.

“I don’t need a test to tell me that, angel,” Crowley said before diving in for another kiss from his giggling husband. 


End file.
